2 week update…

It’s only been 2 weeks since we’ve become a family of 5 but somehow it feels longer. Liyana has just fit right in. She eats, poops and sleeps like a trooper and according to her brother’s she is “lame and boring” LOL!!! They want interaction. They constantly smother her, I actually feel sorry for the poor kid. I suppose this is setting the tone for a life with older brothers who will always be in your business. It’s taken Rameez a week or so to warm up to her. At first he would play with her but then say that she’s not his sister, its Anees’ sister. Until today. He ran in the room while I was feeding her and started trying to hug and kiss her and then asked if he could hold her. When he did he kissed her on the forehead and said ” I love my sister”. My heart melted.

While my heart has been melting at the way these 3 have been bonding my head has been hurting from the incessant talking and bickering and fighting over who gets to do what with their sister. Yes its endearing but FEK I need a break from these kids. It’s just getting too noisy in my head. I’ve been feeling claustrophobic because I havent been able to drive and recovery has taken longer this time than previously. Yesterday I felt like I was let out of jail as I took the car and drove the boys to school. Rameez went to school yesterday for the first time and he Loved it!! You know how they say there’s a time and place for everything. After chatting to him the night before I could hear and feel his excitement and I could feel that the right time was upon us. I took him to school with clear instructions to him that he is not allowed to go to Anees’ class. He had to stay in his own class and make his own friends. I always wanted Rameez to establish his own identity. I felt like he needs to learn to be his own person and not just live in the shadows of being Anees’ brother. This was the main reason for not sending him to school earlier. I also felt like Anees needed his own space and I didn’t want Rameez to infringe on Anees’ personal space by being at the same school and being a tail. So things worked out great! Rameez walked into school and was taken to his own class. I explained to him that if he wanted to come home he should ask the teacher to call me. He looked at me timidly and asked “Mom, Can I go?” I thought he was going to burst into tears and say the he wanted to go home. I asked him where would he like to go and with a huge smile on his face he pointed at the other kids and when I said Yes, he had run off. I was so proud. I said Good-Bye and told the school that I would not be checking in on him later and that they should call if there were any problems. I didn’t hear a word from them and Zaid went to pick up the boys at lunch time and Rameez couldn’t stop talking about his day at school. So Anees will probably be taking the rest of the year off and spend some QT with me while I’m on leave and we will happily send Rameez off to school.

I’m contemplating going back to work in December. Staying at home feels so unstimulating. Yes, i know I need 6 weeks for my body to recover! I’ve already started counting the days until I go back to gym. I need more than this though. The cooking, shopping, mani’s, pedi’s, coffee dates and lying on the couch is a tad overrated in my opinion. You can only do so much of that before it too becomes monotonous.

I’m so glad to have had Zaid at home with me for the last 3 weeks, his leave is unfortunately coming to and end on the 12 November. We will be squeezing in quite a few fun dates before then. I’m so relieved Liyana took the bottle with formula (gasp, what a bad mother am I? LOL) like a champ. I can leave her without the stress of worrying that I need to be back for her next feed and its been such a relief, there’s no pressure or stress this time around and I’m sure it will be in the best interest of my mental well-being. I wish I could bottle up all of this “3rd time mom” wisdom. I do whatever feels right and not what the books dictate is supposed to be right. With all due respect to the authors of Baby Sense and the likes of “What to expect in the first year”. The problem with those books is that the baby hasn’t read it so she doesn’t know whats expected of her so if she doesn’t do what the book said she would do after I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do (according to the book) I would go batty!!! LOL 😉 I know to works for some people and that’s great but in my case it did more harm than good.

I had a friend of mine up from CT for the weekend and boy was that good for my soul. She GETS ME!!!! She gets my mothering style and my need for independence and to be seen as an individual. I missed her! Look forward to lots more visits and laughs together 😉 We had so much fun as I helped her choose an outfit for her night out, I was trying to be fashion consultant while breastfeeding Liyana. Poor kid choked on some milk and we giggled as I apologized to Liyana and explained to her that one day she would understand the fashion emergency and the need to find the ‘right’ outfit LOL!

We had the most gorgeous party for Liyana and I look forward to uploading the pics soon.

Until then…

xxx

1 More Sleep!! ;)

We are on the brink of welcoming a new addition to our awesome foursome. I don’t know what’s in store for us.

As excited as I am about a new addition, pregnancy triggered all my feelings of anxiety and depression that I had felt when I birthed Anees. I had no idea that I could feel all of that loneliness and inadequacy so intensely again. I had to take a serious look at how I handled the first few weeks after the birth of the boys and needed to make some decisions about how I could change things so that I do not feel overwhelmed by the responsibility of a newborn. My decisions brought judgement from other people which made me doubt myself as a mother yet again. Coupled with the doubt, a surge of pregnancy hormones, the “lows” of hearing its a(nother) boy and the “highs” of hearing that its actually a girl, I sit back now and I am exhausted when I think of all that I have been through emotionally. By the grace of God I haven’t had any health issues but there were times when my mental state was questionable.

I sat across from Natasha 2 weeks ago at our last session and for the first time in months I wasn’t plagued by the anxiety of a newborn or guilt ridden for the decisions I have made regarding this baby because for once I was not judging myself by other people’s definition of motherhood. She beamed with pride. So did i! I beamed with pride for the 2 young men that I am raising. Young men who aren’t afraid of expressing their emotions and who can say exactly how they feel and be who they want to be without fear of judgement. Young men who are confident, considerate, polite, respectful well rounded individuals who show an emotional intelligence beyond their tender years.

We fight, argue, disagree, laugh,dance, scream at each other, even disappoint each other at times but at the end of it all we all deeply care for each other. We look forward to the new dynamic that a little girl will bring to our world. We know things will change. We’ll have a little less time for each other because now we have to divide that time between more people. But I know we got this!!

Love you madly, Zaid, Anees and Rameez.

Thanks for always allowing me the space and time I need to work through my feelings. I know that no matter what happens with me over the next few months I always have the 3 of you by my side 😉

July, already?!?!

I knew it had been a while since I blogged but I had no idea that it had
been THAT long!

Can’t believe I’m at 24 weeks already. My ‘all day sickness’ seems to be going away! Thank goodness! I know some women have had to deal with nausea right until birth. I’ve been ‘taking things easy’. Being pregnant in winter has its rewards. It is the season of hibernation and I have no problems doing just that while the bun in my oven bakes away! Lol! Even though I’m ‘enjoying’ the sleeping, that’s really the ONLY thing I enjoy about pregnancy, it makes me feel like I’m not ‘alive’! There is no heart pumping, blood racing action in any way. No getting lost in my head on the spinning bike or wild nights out (I can barely stay awake passed 10). Shopping is not fun anymore as everything that I could possibly fit into is anything but flattering! What is up with maternity clothes!!????!!!!!

Being pregnant makes me feel in limbo and that’s not something I’m comfortable with. When I’m in limbo my mind starts working overtime.

All you do is wait, wait until your next Gynae appointment and ponder the imminent birth and wonder how exactly your life is going to change and if you’ll be better prepared the third time round because you certainly weren’t the first 2 times (even though you thought you were). Now you have memories to remind you how hard those first few months or even first year actually is and all you want to do is maybe, hopefully get by it without sinking into a deep dark hole like you did the first 2 times. You ponder what strategies and coping mechanisms you can put into place to ease that feeling of being overwhelmed by a newborn who is completely and utterly dependant on you and then you realize that maybe you’re thinking too much and you might just be better off on an anti-depressant because sometimes feeling numb is better than feeling things the way you do, with every fibre of your being that your heart eventually begins to physically ache and your throat and chest physically start closing in on you because you feel so lost and scared! True story!!!!

I can’t stand the waiting. Although this pregnancy does seem to be going by a lot quicker than the others.

The boys have been great. Quite excited about the idea of a sibling on most days! Some days when Rameez is irritating Anees, Anees always looks at me and will say ‘I hate Rameez! What am I going to do with another brother!’
Anees often still says ‘she’ when he refers to the baby. We have to remind him that it’s another brother for him and he says ‘Its ok mom, we’ll still love him’. The dynamic of the boys reaction to the baby is something I find quite exciting. I think Rameez is in for a bit of a shock and I hope the adjustment is not too traumatic for him.

Nasima
xxx

Just realized that this is my 200th blog post! Happy Happy for me 😉

Happy 1st Birthday!!! ;)

My blog is 1-year-old today! Hip Hip Hooray!! I remember expressing the idea of a blog to Natasha and as she always does, she said “so what’s stopping you?” It took a lot of courage for me to “come out of the closet” about my depression and therapy and my ambiguous feelings about motherhood.

My first blog post was this :

Been toying with this blogging idea for a while. Finally decided to do it as an online journal for myself and my boys.

Hi, I’m Nasima. Wife, mother, dental hygienist, daughter, sister, spinning addict. I have 2 beautiful boys and an amazing husband, who’s been in my life for the last 12 years. When I had my first son, I lost myself to the overwhelming responsibility of motherhood and ended up with PND. This sent me on a deep and dark journey of self discovery. I’ve found myself again. This blog is dedicated to cherishing everything in my life. The good, the bad and the ugly will be documented here so that my boys will eventually have an idea of the true essence of me.

From Nasima, with love

https://whatsonyourblogginmind.wordpress.com/2013/04/08/

and it was soon followed by my second blog post ON THE SAME DAY !! LOL! It was titled “Parent’s evenings and reflections ”

The topic tonight was Self Love. When the discussion floor was opened everybody agreed that there is a large amount of guilt involved when we want to do something for ourselves. As I sat there and listened to tales of mothers and fathers giving up who they are or what they loved because they thought they needed to make these sacrifices, I was so grateful that I wasn’t at that point anymore.

It’s taken me 4 long years of therapy and battling inner demons to finally learn to love myself enough to fulfill my needs. I have Anees to thank for that! Had he not been born I might have still been going through life putting others first. I might have still not known this new found confidence and sense of self respect and self esteem. I’ve learnt that as a mother I don’t have to give him all of me. I need to nourish myself first so that I can give him and the other men in my life the best of me.

Thank you Anees. I love you madly even though you drive me insane at times. Your birth has meant my rebirth and I can’t thank God enough for blessing me with you!

 

My blog soon became my little space in the universe/blogosphere where I’ve used music and poetry as an expression of self. It’s my little space to rant or rave or be happy or sad.

I love all that its brought to my life. Not only have I made new friends but its brought me closer to people who were already in my life. I love that I’ve found so many people who can relate and that I can be there for people when they need an ear to listen or a shoulder to lean on.

Happy Birthday Dearest Blog

Love you much

Nasima

xxx

Therapy Day

What a day! Therapy. Back to back patients. Admin. School pick-up. Tantrums from 2 year-olds. Park. Dinner. Gym. Put the boys to bed. And this is the first opportunity I have to sit down with my laptop(while trying to watch an episode of Dexter S8)

Since I had my epiphany that I no longer had unfounded feelings of sadness or anxiety I was contemplating cancelling my session today. But I didn’t and I’m glad for that. I initially started my therapy as crisis control because of my depression but now I’ve realized that its transformed into helping me on my path of self discovery. Natasha and I chatted about how much hard work these last 4 years has been. I remember very defining moments on this journey. Telling her how I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, how I had absolutely no desire to live or engage with anybody including my husband and children. I felt numb and deadened. I felt like I was never truly present. I didn’t know who Nasima is or what she liked or wanted from life. My poetry post yesterday tells my story to the tee. It moves me in ways I can’t describe because I was living that. Like Rusty and Dusty I too am triumphant. I’m proud of having the courage to see this through. I will reap the rewards of the investment I have made in myself for years to come and so will my family.

I will be going back to therapy just not sure when. It’s not only necessary in crisis it’s also necessary for clarity and when life defining moments and decisions are made or need to be dealt with.

For now I can say I’ve never felt more alive. I’m just going to bask in it.

Love Nasima

P.s I’m always available and happy to talk to anyone who is dealing or has suffered from depression. Feel free to contact me if you need someone to chat to. I don’t think enough people talk about it. There’s nothing taboo about being depressed, you don’t need to be ashamed of it, you are not weaker because of it. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. (if they do, then they shouldn’t be in your life) XOXO

 

To see ME

 

To See Me
by Deb Montgomery~

For so long…looking into the mirror
I saw only a reflection of an image,
a stranger looking back at me.

When looking into my eyes,
I saw only an emptiness, a void.

Beneath those eyes were many fears,
fears of pain,
fears of sorrow,
feelings of no hope.

How could I not know this face before me,
as I stood looking at the image in the mirror?

Where was this person that I used to be,
why couldn’t I see?

Turning again looking into the mirror,
I saw my life,
one that had gone out
like a candle being extinguished.

All my pride,
my joy,
my hopes,
my desires,
my passion,
all was gone.

What reflected back from that mirror
was a stranger looking back at me.

Standing there feeling so alone,
lost and confused,
the fear set in, where was this person
I called ME?

Walking away from that image,
never wanting to look again,
my life continued on.

Over time I found myself looking in
that mirror again.
Yet this time when I looked,
what reflected back to me
was a face, my face,
my eyes filled with hope,
a burning love,
a pride of being me,
a passion for living.
No longer a darkness did I see,
for out of my eyes a light was shining,
a reflection of ME!

For you see
I was no longer a stranger
to Me!

Yet there still is that pain deep within,
that pain has taken on
a new meaning in my life.

Through the tears
and
countless hours of feeling alone,
those hours I screamed out and no one heard
slowly through that pain and confusion
emerged the real me.

It took all those disappointments and life hurts
to make me stop
and look at the real Me!!

No longer am I just an image in a mirror
I am a reflection of my life,
those hurts,
those joys,
that hope,
that burning passion,
that endless love.

I see now the true image
the image of Me!

Thank you

Other than Zaid and Natasha, only 2 other people knew of my battle with depression. Dear Tasneem and dearest Priya. They were the only two who never batted an eyelid when I told them about my feelings. I’ve realized that I’ve never really taken the time out to thank them for the pivotal roles they played in my struggles, and the roles they continue to play in my everyday life.

Tasneem and I weren’t always ‘friends’. She was an acquaintance at first, the wife of someone I grew up with and would practically call my brother. I recall meeting her many moons ago and thinking that we have absolutely nothing in common. If you had told me then that she would become my rock of support and biggest cheerleader, I would’ve most certainly laughed at you! As the years have passed we’ve found ourselves growing closer and sharing more, trusting more, heeding each others advice more. Tasneem is very pragmatic, she’s an excellent listener and guides me to finding answers from within. I recall being stressed about choosing a school for Anees and the conversation that we had about it and how she made me feel at ease that no matter what I chose I would make the right decision. I recall seeking advice about finding someone to look after Rameez. It was Tasneem who introduced me to the blogosphere, she got me reading Joumaseblog and a host of other blogs that provided hours of entertainment and sanity for me. It was her who opened up my eyes to the idea that ‘one size doesn’t fit all’. She encouraged me to do things that worked for me and to listen to my heart. She’s the least judgmental person I know, the most selfless person i know, always willing to lend an ear to find a solution. She’s the most dedicated mother to her 3 beautiful children and husband. She’s also motivated and constantly looking for new ways to challenge herself. A trained occupational therapist who has given of her time and resources to help those less fortunate. I have every faith that she will eventually do her masters ( if she stops popping out cute babies every year. Lol)

Tasneem you are a Phenomenal Woman, a Woman Phenomenally.

Thank you

Just one of those days

My job is emotionally taxing. I have patients booked back to back every 30 mins and each person requires something different of me emotionally. Not only do I need to provide a good service I also need to have a good bedside manner so that I can create a good rapport with them. Some of them are easy-going and some just literally suck the life out of me. They walk in with a brick wall around them and a negative energy that permeates my surgery and drains me.

I leave work most days happy. I love what I do. It’s challenging and rewarding. Some days I just leave there not wanting to engage with anyone else. Well this poses a problem as I have 2 kids you see. Anees talks non stop once he gets in the car. The fighting starts when we walk in the door. Rameez has a few new toys and as you can imagine the one wants what the other touches and vice versa. It’s enough to just make me want to scream and actually wish that I was still at work. So I watch the clock anxiously waiting for 6pm when Zaid walks through the door and I can escape to the gym.

I remember watching the clock when I was on maternity leave with Anees too. Being cooped up with a baby all day drove me insane. Yes they’re cute and all that but I’m a verbal person and would much rather have you tell me what you want then try to decipher your needs by your different cries. I don’t do the ‘baby stage’ well. With Anees I took 6 months maternity leave and with Rameez 4 months. I’ve decided that 2 months will be sufficient with the next child. LOL.

A patient of mine is pregnant with her 5th child. I’m happy for her but I feel physically and violently ill if I have to think of myself pregnant 5 times. Why the need to have 5 children? I don’t understand. A family with 2 kids feels complete. If I had my pigeon pair I think our family would be complete. There is an equal parent to child ratio and things are manageable. The only reason we want a 3rd is because of my yearning for a daughter. When we got married we initially wanted 4 kids. That was until we had 1 and then 2 and then realized how much work they are.

There I said it. Sometimes it feels like work.(No, I lie! It’s actually easier to be at work, amongst adults) They’re asleep now. Thank Goodness. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day for all of us 😉

 

Therapy day

So I saw Natasha today.

Since Anees was 4 months old I’ve been seeing Natasha. He had a raging ear infection and had spent the first 4 months of his life projectile vomiting, breastfeeding sometimes hourly and not sleeping longer than 20 mins at times. He didn’t have ‘baby soft’ skin like I thought he would, he had bad eczema and often scratched himself open. On that day I called Zaid and instructed him to come home immediately because Anees would not stop crying uncontrollably. It was just too much to handle. Something was wrong, I called the pead and set up an appointment. She looked him over for 2 mins and said he had reflux and was lactose intolerant and said I should start him on solids immediately and stop breastfeeding. I was a blubbering mess in her office that day. That was the day she told me she thought I had PND and suggested I see someone. That was the start of my relationship with Natasha.

PND? What’s that? Depressed? Me? No! Yes there are times when I cry for no reason and times when I just wish the world away. But no I’m not depressed.The first appointment was the most difficult. It’s kinda awkward like a first date lol!

Now Natasha is an integral part of my existence. I look forward to our monthly appointments where I can offload and process everything that’s happened to me. Therapy gives me time to reflect and a chance to just pack things away and not to hold onto anything.

I feel so much ‘lighter’ after a session. I’m good to go for the next month. Lol

Xxx

Parents evenings and reflections

Anees attends a playschool in Parkwood. It’s an amazing school that not only offers fun and educational activities but also seeks to offer support to families. This is done through monthly meetings where parents get together and have the opportunity of listening to professionals talk about a wide range of topics. The school provides babysitting and dinner for the little ones so you are at complete ease of mind.

The best part of these evenings is being able to talk candidly about your feelings and experiences to other parents/couples who are going through the same thing. I’m always amazed at how we all at times feel lonely in this journey of parenthood, yet if we just talk openly and say what’s on our minds (without fear of being judged) we will find that 9 times out of 10 there are at least 4 other people wanting to say the same thing.

The topic tonight was Self Love. When the discussion floor was opened everybody agreed that there is a large amount of guilt involved when we want to do something for ourselves. As I sat there and listened to tales of mothers and fathers giving up who they are or what they loved because they thought they needed to make these sacrifices, I was so grateful that I wasn’t at that point anymore.

It’s taken me 4 long years of therapy and battling inner demons to finally learn to love myself enough to fulfill my needs. I have Anees to thank for that! Had he not been born I might have still been going through life putting others first. I might have still not known this new found confidence and sense of self respect and self esteem. I’ve learnt that as a mother I don’t have to give him all of me. I need to nourish myself first so that I can give him and the other men in my life the best of me.

Thank you Anees. I love you madly even though you drive me insane at times. Your birth has meant my rebirth and I can’t thank God enough for blessing me with you!

Xxx